#027 How I Smile When Bad Sh*t Happens

"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together: our virtues would be proud, if our faults whipped them not; and our crimes would despair, if they were not cherished by our virtues." - All's Well That Ends Well

"£2000."

"How much?"

The day wasn't supposed to go like this.

I had been operating all night and was looking at Hussain as he gave me the bad news.

What was supposed to be a routine fireplace removal had gone sour.

"Second order effects plus Black Swan", I thought.

Quieting my inner mental model nerd, I looked back to Hussain and agreed on the price.

We now had no hot water or heating in our house in October. It would soon be time to pick up my 2 and 4 year old from nursery.

I smiled.

How can one smile running on no sleep, faced with no heating in the Scottish "autumn", a new £2000 bill and the prospect of picking up children with post-nursery induced mania?

Here's how.

Negative Visualisation

You will have heard of visualising your goals to make them come true. I use this positive visualisation on a weekly basis when rehearsing complex operations in my mind.

The night before the big op, I sit and rehearse my moves. Each time I do this I pick up a step I hadn't thought of and adjust accordingly. To me it's the old school version of modern-day high-fidelity simulation training.

Negative visualisation is a Stoic practice to restore perspective. Faced with a perceived set back, you think of all the negative things that could of happened, but didn't. If any of those worst case scenarios came to be, you would trade everything you had just to return to the moment now.

The gas to our house was shut off because the piping wasn't safe. Though they had stood the test of time so far, there was no reason a pipe couldn't leak and everyone I love would go up in smoke.

I'd pay £2000 everyday to prevent that.

Resilience Training

When life is going smoothly, I push my limits mentally and physically. When life throws me a curve ball I pick up the bat and put the rest down.

Life is easy when you prepare for the difficult, and hard when you prepare for the easy.

Maybe it's because I'm exposed to negative visualisation everyday with the patients I look after, but I am deeply aware that there's a good chance I'll be in the bed and the doctor will be talking to me.

There but for the grace of God go I.

In my mind it's as though there is a fight coming one day. I don't know when that day will be, but I'm sure as hell going to be ready.

So when I'm not sleep deprived and without heating for my family, I take cold plunges in November, lift twice my bodyweight in my shed and run hills while my lungs burn.

Through voluntarily suffering I've already been in the arena. So when I don't chose to step in, but get pushed, I can look around and think, "I've been here before."

"It is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself to deal with difficult times; while fortune is bestowing favours on it then is the time for it to be strengthened against her rebuffs." - Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

Suffering Once Not Twice

When things go south our minds go into overdrive. For me I start to look for solutions to problems. But some of those problems are yet to happen. Some of them may not happen at all.

Worrying is suffering twice. Once while waiting for the bad thing to happen. And again when the bad things happens.

Easy to say when you're worry about how to look after your family, but I've learnt to shortcut unhelpful thinking using the next point.

This Moment

"Am I shouting?"

This is what I ask myself when I want to quit anything. It first came to me during my rowing days when we used to perform 2000m repeats for cardio training.

2000m on a rowing machine is one of the most painful physical experiences I have subjected myself to. 7 minutes of all out effort creates enough lactate in your body that you legs don't just burn, your face burns. We kept a bucket close by because lactate also makes you nauseous. I was younger and competing and no longer push to this point.

Every time I wanted to quit at around 1500m I'd ask myself, "Am I shouting in pain?" If not, carry on. Each time I wanted to quit (and there were many) I'd ask the same question again. If I'm not shouting, carry on.

The reason we want to quit is because we project that what we feel now is only going to get worse. So quit now while you're still ahead. But much as we suffer twice when worrying (even if we are already suffering) what we are predicting may not come to pass.

If this moment is tolerable then tolerate this moment. And the next. And the next and so on.

This is akin to David Goggins "one second decision". When he (ex-Navy Seal, ultra-runner, previous pull-up World Record holder all done with an undiagnosed hole in his heart) thinks about quitting at mile 56 of 100, he makes a deal with himself.

When mile 60 comes I can decide to quit or not. It short cuts self-negotiation and gives a sense of control. When mile 60 comes it's a simple yes/no moment. Can I tolerate this moment? Yes? Carry on.

"Am I shouting?" is my version of the once second decision. If life isn't bad enough for me to be shouting in pain or grief, I can carry on.

We can all learn to smile in the face of adversity by:

• Practicing negative visualisation for perspective
• Preparing for hard times when times are good
• Suffering when you have to
• Tolerating the moment

My fireplace mishap is a minor wobble in the big scheme of things.

But it led me to write this post.

And so from the perceived bad, the felt good arrives.

That's something to smile about.

See you next week.

If you want 2 extra hours a day to spend with your family, work on your hobbies or just chill, my book Work Less, Live More is available to buy now.